I am at my lowest. I thought broken heart can be fixed but I was wrong. My heart was alrd shattered into thousands of pieces, I can barely breathe yet I still can put a smile on my face bcs I dont want ppl around me to be affected by the negative vibes. I laugh when they laugh, I still can talk jokes w them, but my soul was not there. My mind wandered somewhere else. All my emotions are mixed up. Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Depressed? Man, idk what to feel. I thought we were okay but we dont. I hide all my disappointments bcs I dont want you to feel that I was such a nuisance. But I guess I am really a nuisance, right from the start.

Gambateh

So yeah, degree is less than few days, I can feel the tense is rising up, almost suffocating but yeah. This battle is gonna be tougher cs I can tell that these ppl that got accepted to USM are no joke. They came from A-level, matriculations, even diplomas.

Honestly, as a matriculation graduate, I feel nervous.

I came from a normal daily school, not SBP nor MRSM, completely normal. When I got offered for the matric programme, I know very well that I'll be facing great students from great schools with superb brains and so on. Yeah I feel so small in KMPP bcs most of my friends came from MRSM, SBP etc. Everybody knows that these students are very smart. I thought that I won't survive in this tight competition, knowing that these ppl are the high achievers in their schools.

I almost felt like they looked down on me everytime they asked which school I came from. No joke man, they made me feel humiliated. Or maybe it was just my inner thoughts bcs I know they were nice ppl. It's not like I felt humiliated bcs of my school or that, bcs typically ppl will thought that students that came from SBP and MRSM are the smartest. Same goes to the adults, they made us think that way.

Plus, theseee adult thought that the matric programme was a waste and "buang duit" and "nanti kena lelong la" and I was like "hang tk rasa hang diam la bodo". You go ask la ppl from matric, they had fun or not??

So yeah I struggled and tried my best and Alhamdulillah I achieved a result that I can be super proud of.

But then came these ppl.... "pandai blh la" or "ala kau mmg pandai tk bljr pn tkpe"eh setan kau mmg la tk nmpk aku belajar tp kau ingat aku tk blajar ke????????? Seriously these type of people should be stuffed into a coconut shell and be thrown into the pacific ocean. They were implying that I was born genius like seriously dude, you have no freakin idea how much I as well as my friends struggled bcs people said "nanti kena lelong".

Dapat matric pn hina, dapat result gempak pn hina. Orang mcmni blh gimamp0s.

Back to my story, so yeap I know USM is one of the top uni in Malaysia and they have great students from all over Malaysia and this make me nervous. Same feeling that I had before I went to matric.

Wish me luck guys. Oh ya fyi I got accepted into USM Kampus Kejuruteraan, Bachelor of Aerospace Engineering with Honors.

And yes, it's located in Nibong Tebal, surrounded by kelapa sawit and sawah padi.

3am thoughts

I used to be a surrealist. I live in the fantasy world, created by my own imagination. Everything happened the way I wanted. People around me? Heh. Too busy with their own life, forgot that I existed. Some of them even tried to hurt me in every possible way they could find. This is why I don't really attached to people. Luckily there are some of them whom I can trust, but that wasn't enough to drag me back to the concrete reality. Love has always been dissapointing to me, falling in love with the wrong person, or maybe fall too hard when it's too late. Nevertheless I never hated love. Maybe it's just not the right time. All these time I was living in surreality, being comfortable in my own cocoon. Yet I always feel that half of my heart is somewhere out there. But I was afraid. I can't handle another heartbreak. So I acted like I'm heartless and shut the door out. Afterall living in fantasy is fun.

Somehow God always has His plans. And one of it was you. We were fated to meet, but not as lover at first. We were given time to get to know each other before you really crushed down those brick wall of mine, sailing through those iced-chocolate sea to save me from the irrelevant world of fantasies. You were the alarm that woke me up from these dreadful nightmares. You managed to melt my iced-cold heart which had been so cold to love before. Tbh I never had any crush on you but somehow those feelings just came without any notice and the next thing I had fallen so hard on you. You showed me the meaning of love that I never thought before and it's just beautiful.

Of course the sun will not always shine bright. Those days when things went out of our expectations. And I almost lose you. Those dark moments when everyone tried to tear us apart. The most painful part was I thought you gave up on us. When you're not. You just didn't know what to do bcs everything was just so fcked up. I was lost during that time, can't even think straight. I can't afford to lose you. That was the time when I looked on the bright side, thinking that afterall, this is the fight that is worth fighting for. So instead of grieving, I tried to make things clearer for you and eventually things just got better.

But I almost lose hope bcs of that tragic event. I remember telling you that I will always love you but I can't afford being hurt at the same time. I almost fell into my dark old pit when you managed to grab my hand and reassured me that our feeling is mutual. That you still love me and it gets deeper day by day. Again I'm allowing myself to love you wholeheartedly.

We were tested with so many things during our early phase, one of it was the hardest I can ever imagine. Yet we managed to passed it with tears and shattered hearts. Well come on people, bring it on. We will literally bazooka-ed you.

Really, boy. Being in love with you is not that easy. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me ((so far 😛))
You owned my heart, and I owned yours. All these crazy things happening around us but love keeps find its own way back to us.

first

This is my new blog. Yep I got another one but it's old and I'm planning to start fresh. So, here you go.